


What We Do In The Scranton Shadows

by dollsome



Category: The Office (US)
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-31
Updated: 2019-12-31
Packaged: 2021-04-21 08:47:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,301
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22057642
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dollsome/pseuds/dollsome
Summary: The two most important mockumentaries of all time, merged in one very powerful Tumblr-style bullet point list.
Comments: 10
Kudos: 59





	What We Do In The Scranton Shadows

**Author's Note:**

> I made this post on Tumblr many months ago and, honestly, just kept losing it, so I decided to post it over here too. Obviously one day I would love nothing more than to commit myself to writing the novel version of this epic concept, but for now, this is all I have!

  * dwight is a vampire – once an old timey farmer who became a creature of the night when his family’s centuries-old beet farm was ransacked by vampires in the mid-nineteenth century or so – and jim is his familiar.
  * really, jim is not under dwight’s vampire thrall even a bit; he just likes messing with dwight by pretending to be the worst familiar ever and seeing how long vampire dwight will put up with it. (it’s possible jim is not GREAT at self preservation.) dwight REALLY wants a loyal familiar who’s super impressive so he can boast about it to all the vampyre communities in the neighboring counties, so he gives him a lot of chances. but since he’s dwight, he’s obviously also very bad at patience.
  * “damn it, jim! this isn’t blood, it’s jello!” “are you sure, unholy master? because the box said ‘blood.’” “FACT: blood comes in human bodies. _not boxes_.”

* * *

  * all the vampires live at schrute farms, obviously, because a dilapidated rustic farm house is a pret-ty cool vampire hangout.

* * *

  * michael probably got turned into a vampire in like 1991 and tries to seem like an ancient vampyre with a lot of sexy vampyre street cred. he is, oh, just terrible at it. he tries to model his life after the film interview with a vampire, which is sort of sad, since he has technically been a vampire for longer than that film’s existed. at one point, he decides he needs to add a kirsten dunst-type character to their fam and registers for a chat room as “LittleKidLover.” his hair is probably still a mullet and he definitely buys women’s blouses and wears them way too unbuttoned in an attempt to look like a sexy vampire of olde.
  * jan is michael’s sire. she is magnificent and terrifying. everyone secretly thinks that michael really needs to break up with jan, but they understand how that feels very impossible to do. jan and dwight often get into hissing-at-each-other-and-levitating-angrily fights.

* * *

  * holly is an adorable lady who works at the butcher’s shop where the vampires sometimes get blood in the rare (or, in michael’s case, not so rare) event that they can’t get a human victim. she knows that there’s definitely something suspicious about their posse, but she thinks that one with the mullet is honestly kind of weirdly cute, and very sweet.
  * pam is the stu character, where dwight and the other vampires just think she’s really great and nice and so they all make a pact to never eat her so she can keep hanging out with them and show them how to do things like use tablets and log in to netflix and register for duolingo. jim and pam have the world’s weirdest cute lil’ romcom romance whilst being mixed up in the underground vampire community in scranton, pa.
  * creed is, fricking OBVIOUSLY, the terrifying ancient vampire kept in a tomb in the basement.
  * ryan is a sullen elder millennial who gets unexpectedly turned into a vampire by creed after an attempt to invite ryan to dinner so the vampires can eat him goes a little wrong. michael is super in love with ryan the vampire, and ryan is not above using that to curry whatever favor he can in the household. jan **hates** ryan.

* * *

  * in a night out on the town, a newly vampiric ryan gets too wild and thoughtlessly turns … kelly kapoor, ~*world’s greatest vampire*~. kelly would definitely do the thing like in the first episode of the tv show adaptation where she wants to cover herself in glitter to be like twilight for special occasions. she is the best and most hilarious vampire who’s ever lived. she’s also really upset about the whole gross having-to-drink-blood thing. “oh my god, you guys, don’t look at me, i’m _totally _bingeing,” she says when the other vampires walk in on her chowing down on some innocent human being’s jugular, blood spurting everywhere. 

* * *

  * werewolf andy is like, “werewolves not swearwolves, you guys!!!!!!!!” with an increasing inability to keep his temper under control about it. his fellow werewolves erin and kevin try REALLY hard to live by this code.
  * darryl, meanwhile, is the fun werewolf. sometimes he and jim meet up despite being on opposite sides of the eternal vampire/werewolf war and have some laughs over how they troll andy and dwight, respectively.

* * *

  * angela is the stern neighbor who lives nearby and often comes over to complain about the strange noises and chaos that seems to be going on at schrute farms in the late night hours. don’t they know that some peoples’ cats are trying to sleep?? she and dwight are clearly smolderingly in love with a barely suppressed heat that manifests as severe dislike for one another. she is in literally no danger of being turned into a vampire or killed, because she is angela. her disapproval is just THAT powerful.
  * once, dwight shape-shifts into a cat (except for his face – he can never get the faces right) in the hopes of impressing angela. it is honestly like 87% successful.

* * *

  * phyllis is a local romance novelist who really wants to break into paranormal romance to put some life back into her ailing writing career. her friend meredith is just out to have a crazy time however she can. as a result, they are both forever stumbling into the weird situations that our vampires get themselves into. the vampires are very into being in phyllis’s good graces, since she is married to bob vance, vance refrigeration, and you need a lot of refrigerators when you go through so many <strike>bodies</strike> … things that need refrigerating.
  * meanwhile, meredith would be pretty down with becoming a vampire, but michael and dwight and co. have agreed that … ugh. there’s no way they’re turning her. that lady definitely has a drinking problem. the last thing she needs is a blood-drinking problem.

* * *

  * oscar and toby are the very beleaguered cops who are trying to investigate what the heck is going on in scranton and why the body count is so strangely high. the scranton strangler is a _strangler_, not an exsanguinater. martinez and flenderson are on the CASE!
  * stanley is their boss the police chief who’s mere weeks from retirement, and he Does Not Care what’s going on in scranton. do not bother stanley. about vampires.
  * (creed the ancient vampire is the scranton strangler. he just likes to mix things up every once in awhile.)

* * *

  * robert california is the supreme vampire overlord who occasionally honors the schrute farms household by coming to visit. he is always trying to have sex with everyone/thing. because when you are a vampire, you become very sexy.

* * *

  * gabe is just a human person who lives in scranton, but due to his skeletal frame and generally dreary, eldritch energy, everyone with a little belief in the paranormal thinks _he _is the vampire that plagues their city. the vampires, meanwhile, think he gives them a bad name, and kind of bully him a lot.

* * *

  * michael also feels an IRRESISTIBLE urge to throw whatever insults he possibly can at officer flenderson whenever said fellow starts sniffing around, to the point where he almost blows his vampiric household’s cover to law enforcement a million times just because he’s so swept up in a haze of hating toby. “you, sir, happen to _suck_!! and not in the fun ‘i’m a vampire and i’m gonna suck your blood’ way!!” “so you’re saying you’re a vampire and you’re going to suck my blood, and … that’s what’s going on here.” “pfft. your gross blood? you wish, perv.” jan, hovering on the ceiling out of toby’s sight: “**_MICHAEL_**.”

* * *

  * the camera crew is still the camera crew. except now they have more crucifixes and holy water at hand.
  * they call it scranton (what!), the vampire city! scranton (what!), the vampire city!

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [[podfic] - What We Do In The Scranton Shadows (dollsome)](https://archiveofourown.org/works/27273700) by [gingermaggiereads (gingermaggie)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/gingermaggie/pseuds/gingermaggiereads)


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